Big Changes

Good Afternoon

I have completely neglected my blog for, apparently, 3 months! A very long time! I forgot I had a blog in all honesty hee hee!

Anyway, probably the main reason I have not updated my blog for an insanely long period of time is because I have been busy! and there have been some massive changes taken place.

I went on holiday to Tunisia which was lovely. Nice to get away with a couple of pals and have a lovely,
relaxing holiday - not one of these boozy ones where all you do is go out and get pissed and act like a knobber! Lots of time by the beach and pool and lots of laughs in the evenings. I have learnt that Tunisian passport control is crap and when I hear the word 'Vitamins' I will always think back that man who sold smoothies like they were going out of fashion (Lloyd and Rowlands will know). Was very sad to come back to cold and rainy England.

I have moved! After 4 years of living in High Wycombe, I finally, after what seemed to take ages, ditched my flat and moved back to Aylesbury. I feel a little sad - I didn't really want to leave Wycombe as I felt settled there and it was home. There is nothing really wrong with Aylesbury, although we are all guilty of slating it sometimes, but it just seems like everywhere I go I see the same old faces of people I knew from a long time ago. In Wycombe, I was anonymous I could do anything or go anywhere without being recognised, I liked that.

I'm back here now for the foreseeable future. I was supposed to be in my new place by now but there has been some delays and so I am, STILL, crashing at my Mums place and I have been here since the end of June. I am STILL paying a hideous amount to keep all of my furniture in the storage room that I am renting with Store 'N' Go. I, of course, pay my Mum some rent to stay here as well. But, I cannot moan - I am alot better off then I was when I was paying for the upkeep of my flat.

 My only additional cost is now my travel of getting to work every morning in Wycombe and then back again - not exactly cheap in a 2.0L sports car. I miss only being up the road and rolling out of bed at 8:15 every morning - those days are well and truly gone. Now my mornings are spent tailgating the people who go slower than the speed limit, shouting abuse and 'giving the middle finger' to HGV drivers who decide to break suddenly and stop without any indication causing me to nearly plough straight into the back of them and dodging the ridiculous amount of potholes there are down the narrow country roads between Aylesbury and Wycombe - this should really be flagged to the council. All in all, the drive to work and back everyday is not good for my blood pressure nor my stress levels!

I suppose to the biggest and life changing news I have is that in May, to my complete and utter shock, I discovered I was pregnant! Yes, I had to take 4 pregnancy tests to believe it, the last one being one of those fancy Clearblue digital ones that tells you a straight 'Yes' or 'No' and, how convenient, how many weeks you are! But its finally sunk in.

Of course, any woman who finds out they are pregnant is likely to have about a thousand questions flood her mind and, probably, experience many mixed emotions ... I know I did anyway! Without going into too much detail, my situation is not the best. I am, technically, single and so far I have gone through this pregnancy alone. If it wasn't for the support of some good friends and my family, I don't know where I would be.

I'll be honest and say that I wasn't exactly happy when I found out I was expecting, in fact, I cried. I cried so much and was in complete shock. I wasn't planning to have a child yet, and certainly not when I am single! I wanted to do so many things and just wanted to be carefree and selfish. I am 25 years old, and I know some woman my age have children but I just didn't feel ready yet. But, after seeking a lot of medical advice etc, I made a decision .... against all my better judgement, I decided to keep the baby! I waited until I was nearly 9 weeks before I started to tell people.

This story has a twist though so I'll go on. On 9th June, I was out to dinner in Zizzi in Wycombe with my friend. I had been experiencing bad pains 'down there' most of the day. I had just finished my dinner when the pains got quite intense and, again without going into details, I spotted blood. I rang the emergency doctor who told me to get straight to A+E in Stoke Mandeville but I would be seen as a priority - they even suggested sending an ambulance to fetch me but I felt that was a bit dramatic so my friend drove me. When we arrived I was seen pretty quickly and then I had every test imaginable carried out. I will say this, it was quite 'intrusive' and uncomfortable. And no, I am not referring to the 4 blood tests I had that night either!

Next day, I was sent for an ultrasound. The Sonographer stared at the screen in front of her as ahe moved the doppler over my belly and told me everything was fine. I felt relief. But then she went on to announce that it was 'better than fine' because there were 2 heartbeats and 2 sacs and then she said 'Congratulations! You are expecting twins'. She turned the monitor around to face me and there right on the screen were 2 sacs, 2 little blobs and in the middle of those blobs were 2 flickers, the heartbeats!

I was absolutely stunned! I stared at my Mum , mouth open and eyes wide, and wanted her to say something but she looked just as shocked as me. The sonographer gave me some photos of the scan and said that I needed to book the 12 and 20 week scans now as I would need double slots. Nothing anyone was saying was registering with me though ... I just kept thinking, as awful as this may sound, I don't even want one baby, let alone 2! Arrghh!

But, I am now nearly 18 weeks pregnant with twins. I have had another scan at around 14 weeks and was shocked at how big they had both grown - no longer blobs! I am looking forward to this a bit more now and, next month, the big and expensive task of buying 'baby stuff, begins but I have saved up and friends and family are helping me with some one the bigger items which I am so so grateful for. Hopefully, at some point this month I will be moving into my new place and then, I think, I will feel more settled. Sometimes, I wish I wasn't in the situation that I am as it can become lonely and sometimes I feel hopeless and scared about what is to come and how I will manage alone, but, more of the time I am quite positive and think that I have some great people around me who I know will help where they can - although I have to say that some people have become very distant from me but I know those people won't matter in the long run.

So, that's about it for now. I'll try not to leave it some long next time.

Rant!

Good Evening

I hope you are well.

I am in need of a quick rant and couldn't think of a better place to do it other than my blog.

Why rant you ask? Well, lately, it feels like a lot of people look down their nose at me? As if they think they are something bigger and better than me? Or that I am stupid and have no morals? I am sick of it!!

I feel like I get frowned upon for being me. True, at times I am an idiot and I have made a lot of mistakes in my 25 years of existence on this planet but I'm me and I quite like being me. I'm serious and responsible when I need to be, I live alone and make sure very bill is paid before spending a penny on me! However, sometimes I like to revert back to my 18 year old self, go out, get drunk, go to a club/bar and forget my troubles for an evening; however, this is now becoming a rarity! I can sometimes come across as simple but I can assure you I am not. I am very switched on, can tell when someone is talking absolute bull and when I am being lied to (although I won't always confront).

But, most importantly, I am me and I will always be me. I will never change to suit someone else. I will never be false and I never feel the need to put on an act for anybody. Literally, what you see is what you get so if you want to look down your nose at me then then I have two words for you ..... F**K YOU!

Rant over, I feel a bit better! Thanks for listening xx

Happy Birthday to me

Good Morning

Its been ages since I have updated my blog - I have either been a busy little bee or just too tired.

So, today is my Birthday .... happy effiing Birthday to me and now I am quarter of a century old. Great! I sat awake at 6am this morning and had a long hard think and realised that so far my life has turned out nothing like how I had imagined or hoped for. I just wish things could be so different.

Surely, after all the rubbish and upset that has been thrown in my direction this past year - its about time that something nice happened to me and I was happy again? Thing is, despite everything, I remain positive and I am almost certain, although not sure when or how, that something good will happen -  I just have to be patient.

But as I said today is my Birthday so I won't worry about all of that for now - today I will try and be happy and smile as much as I can - plus its a beautiful day so can't really ask for much more than that :)

Why can't the past just stay in the past?

Good Morning.

Short post in connection with the random thoughts the flood my head this morning and, I'll warn you now, it probably won't make much sense

Everyone has done stuff in the past they regret right? And, surely, sometimes you look back and you can remember periods in your life where you were simply not happy? So ....  you do what needs to be done, no matter how difficult that is,  and move forward/change the situation and this in turn makes you a stronger person and, in my opinion, changes you for the better.

So, pray tell, why does that past, which you want to forget about and move forward from, have a nasty habit of coming back and biting you on the ass? Why can't the past just stay well and truely buried six feet under in the ground where it bloody well belongs! Or is that too much to ask?

From recent experiences, I believe that I am a much stronger person, my outlook has changed and for the first time ever .... I feel content and at ease. But then, all of a sudden the past rears it ugly head and it throws me off balance and takes me back to a time when I wasn't very happy nor was I happy in myself! DAMN - I don't want to be in that place!

So, I will try my damn hardest to detach and leave the past exactly where it should be ... in the past. Easier said than done though I think!

Car Crash #2

Good Afternoon

So, Friday evening I am heading to a pub in Aylesbury. Sun setting, roof down, tunes up and driving with the wind through my hair. I approach a small country lane (a known shortcut to the said town). I'm driving along when all of a sudden there was a massive thud and very loud bang and then before I know it  my car had dipped to the right and I had lost control (mayday mayday). No breaks, no steering and so I had to make an executive decision and crash my beloved little car into a ditch! Yes, a great big dirty ditch!! GREAT!!!

Shaking, I stick the hazard lights on, get out of the car and assess the damage. My tyre at the front was completely flat and coming away from the alloy. I also noticed a great big gapeing hole in the tyre wall.

You're thinking change the tyre right? Problem with that! The designers of my car have decided not to include a spare tyre to make room for the fold away electric roof!! Genius!! Instead, I have 2 tubes of tyre weld designed to re inflate the tyre just enough to get you home. However, in this instance, due to the big gapeing hole in the side of my tyre, I was smart enough to know tyre weld would not fix this problem.

So, lets recap, single girl, stuck in the middle of nowhere, its getting dark and the cows in the field next to me DID NOT look very friendly. Now what the heck do I do? What any girl does, call my Mum. However, Mum was away and could not help me and suggested I call the AA. However, last time I called the AA they were complete and utter a**holes and wouldn't come out to help me! So I was reluctant to do so!

But then, another car approaches and stops. A man gets out and asks if I am ok. Little did I know that this guy would be my life saver that evening. Not only did he manage to get my car to a local garage for repairs, albeit  I won't get in back until Monday! He drove me back to Wycombe (yes, I know, risky getting in a car with a complete stranger), going well out of his way as he was heading to Aylesbury. I am eternally grateful to him.

This whole experience has made me realise who is really there for you when you need them and there are still some decent people out there who will go that extra mile to help a someone in distress, there was me losing faith!

I am looking forward to getting my car back tomorrow as I am confined to my flat  and feeling so bored! I have to say, I feel lost without it, like I am missing a limb almost! I hope after this I have no more car accidents as I believe I have had my fair share now! Over and out!!

The Big Smoke

Good Morning,

This post comes to you from the 08:21 train from High Wycombe to Marylebone. Maaaannn I am bored! Nothing to do but sit and update my blog, listen to the crap that is on my ipod and, of course, people watch - my favourite pass time of them all! Nothing like having a good old stare at someone and making an assessment - that sounds pretty awful but we all do it from time to time so ..... meeeehhh!!

So as you can probably gather I am indeed on my way to the 'Big Smoke' aka London. Definately have a love/hate relationship with London Town. Love the shops, the sights and the pubs/bars/clubs! Hate the tubes and how busy everywhere seems to be and how everyone seems to be in this mindset of 'rush rush rush' all the time ....  jeeeeeeezzz chillax!! But hey, this may be me in a few months time so I sharn't slate it too much!

Right, I am preparing my self to depart from this National Rail train and battle my way on the tubes to reach my destination! Wish me luck!

Spiders ... Friend of Foe?

Good Evening

This post is inspired by the events that took place this afternoon.

So, I went home during my lunch break today to errrrrr .... eat lunch! Upon my return to work, I was driving along the London Road when, from out of no where, this object fell into my lap and made a kind of 'thud' sound. My initial thought was 'What the eff is that?' so I looked ......

BUT ... my gosh I wish I hadn't as right before my eyes, sitting very neatly on my lap (whilst I am operating a car in motion) was a rather black, large, hairy gigantic beast of a spider!

So, some of you reading this will think ... what is the big deal? However, I can imagine some of you will feel my pain. Let me explain. I suffer quite severely from Arachnophobia ... those who know me well will know that if there is a spider within about 100 yards of me or even if I am aware that there is one within the vicinity, I will run away screaming like a little girl! So, to have one sitting on my lap whilst driving my car is probably my idea of Hell.

Back to the scene, I felt my body tensing up, my hands going sweaty and tears welling up in my eyes but I could do nothing. I couldn't scream and run away as I was driving a car, unless I wanted to be responsible for a nasty road accident - no ta, not after my accident in January! So I managed to get my car back to the car park (quite calmly too) and as soon as I was parked up I bolted out of that car so fast. A nice young man came and removed the intruder from my car and, for that, I am eternally grateful to him! What a hero!

In my opinion  ... Spiders are not your friends!!!

Wine ....

So, last night ......

Actually I can't remember too much about it but clearly, waking up this morning on my sofa half naked with a half eaten sandwich and a bucket to the left of me on the floor and a piece of toilet paper some how stuck to my forehead, indicates that I, once again, have overdone it with the wine.

Further evidence of this includes severe nausea, unbearable headache and general 'cannot be bothered to do f**k all' attitude.

I remember drinking a lot of wine last night in the pub whilst attending a colleagues leaving do. I also recall knocking back a fair few shots of god knows what! I felt great at the time .... this morning tells a different story however.

I really should learn my limits when it comes to alcohol intake, clearly this is something I have not yet mastered. I bid you good day as I am now off out to purchase some vile and nasty greasy food to combat this awful awful hangover!

Silence is golden?

Pretty late to be updating my blog .... its late at night but I am not tired and I have so many thoughts whizzing around in my head. One of them stands out more than the others.

Tonight I sat and listened to someone, who I care a great deal about, tell me that he hates his life and believes that whatever he tries his hand at, is doomed to fail. He sees no point in trying any longer.

What do you say to someone who is stuck in this kind of mindset?

a) Tell them to stop being silly and man up?!

b) Tell them everything will be ok and work out in the end?! (Can I whole heartedly say that though?)

c) Tell them that they are correct???

For once, I said nothing - just sat and listened in silence. I left feeling pretty useless to be honest.

Oh well, onwards and upwards. I suppose all you can do for someone like that is be there for them and listen so perhaps I was of some use afterall?

Cross Roads ....

Good evening

Again, been a while since I updated this, guess I just lose track of time.

This will be short and sweet and probably won't make much sense either!

For some reason I've been feeling a little down in the dumps recently - probably because I have been thinking about waaaay too much about stuff. I suppose you could say that I've come to a bit of a crossroads in this crazy ride which I call my life and now I'm sitting here contemplating on which path to take.

Problem is .... I have no idea. I thought I had made my mind up but then I'm not sure if this particular option is what I really want to do and am I really doing this for me because it will make me happy or am I running?

Running away from what you may ask? Well, my answer to that question is people and situations. Unfortunately there are a lot of people in my life who I do not trust right now and I am fed up of the situation I have found myself in - one example -  the ongoing financial struggle I encounter every month to keep a roof over my head, my car on the road and food on the table - no one to rely on apart from me .... I could go on but you would probably all start to get your violins out ;-D

As I said, I have various options available to me at the moment .... its just knowing which one to chose which will make everything right and will serve me well in the long term! Wish me luck!

If I could escape the crowd somehow ....

It's been a while since I've updated my blog ..... I guess that's just how it is when you live life in the fast lane!

Quite a lot has changed!

First off, in the space of about 3 weeks I met a guy who I decided I quite like, he liked me back, I enter into a so-called 'relationship' with him but only to later find out he is a full blown raving mad lunatic!! Excellent, brilliant - just what I needed! So, I very quickly binned him off and all I will say is that I feel lucky enough to have escaped with my life!

I bought a new car ........ not what I wanted at all but it will do for now. I am looking forward to that first weekend where the sun eventually decides to come out of hiding and I can take it for a spin with the roof down!

I have a holiday booked with a couple of my besties for June 2011 which I am looking forward to immensely! Sun, sea, sand and, of course, booze ..... couldn't come quick enough really!

There are some other changes too but at this moment in time I want to keep these close to my chest and not divulge until a later date!

All this change has got me thinking about me, my life - i.e. what do I want and what do I want to achieve? I used to think I knew but, honestly, the last 6 months of my life have been a complete whirlwind and now, as a result, I have absolutely no idea! This scares me a lot!

I think it hit me when I was chatting on the phone to my friend the other day .... in a humourus way, she summarised the last 6 months of my life ....... mental!! is honestly the only way to describe it! I could honestly make a film or at least write a book about it - I reckon I would do quite well off it too!

It did, however, make me realise that that I am playing with fire ...... only problem with that is sooner or later I will get burnt! It also made me realise that whilst this new random, risk taking and carefree girl is all well and good ..... I must not lose sight of the direction I want my life to go in.

I have come to the conclusion that over the next few weeks I need to make some serious decisions and then make these things happen! I am fed up of identifying aspects of my life that I feel need changing and then for one reason or another not following these through. I always have been a 'down-to-earth' sort of person and I know what I can achieve. I do feel, though, like I have lost touch with this side of me for while and have instead been living out this crazy life full of randomness!

I am not saying that these changes will be dramatic ones .... but I do feel they are necessary and I , not anyone else, need to make them happen. Watch this space ......

Thank you ....

They say that friends are the family that you choose ..... if that's the case then I have to say , in my opinion, I have done a pretty amazing job!

At the risk of sounding all emotional, I feel so lucky to have been blessed with a great network of close friends who I know are there for me through the good times and also through the absolute shite times! These last few months have been tough for me and I have really relied on the support that my friends have given me ..... for that, I just want to say Thank You. 

Whether it be pissed as farts in the middle of a club, out in a country pub, listening to and appreciating the beauty of classical music or just spending an evening in - when I'm with my friends its guaranteed to be an absolute hoot! :)

Goodnight.

Chavs ....

Good Morning!


How are you? I'll apologise now as this post is going to be a bit of a rant!


So, last night I went to visit a friend but was so tired I ended falling asleep on their sofa! I awoke this morning in a bit of a daze and wrapped in a duvet. Yes, I know what you are thinking .... what a "Rock and Roll' lifestyle I lead eh?


Anyway, so I said ta' very much to my friend for letting me kip over, jumped in the car, came home, walking up the stairs to my flat and guess what I am greeted with?! (At 9am in the morning I might add).


 "boom, booooom, boooooooooooom ....... BOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMM!!!!"


Well, it appears that my chav, cretin of society (Thanks Fifi) scumbag of a neighbour believes that it is perfectly acceptable to play hard core garage on his sound system (sub woofer and everything ) with the volume cranked up so high that I am pretty much certain it has made my ears bleed!


I let out a loud sigh, opened my front door and duly locked it behind me. I thought that turning the volume up on my TV would drown out the noise of these 'delighful' tunes; how mistaken could one girl be? I am now sat here writing this post and I am apoplectic with rage at the sounds and vibrations traveling through the walls and gracing my earbuds!! Great stuff!!


Now don't get me wrong, in a middle of club (and those who know me well know that I am a party animal) , or even driving flat out down a motor way at 100mph this genre of music would be appreciated by me! I listen to many genres and have a wide taste in music! However, even I know that at 9am in the morning playing hard core garage at full pelt is just not the thing you do! Right now, I just want a nice cuppa and would be very content with listening to one of my Chillout albums to prepare me for my day!


As I see it, I currently have 2 options:


Option 1 - I do nothing - i.e 'Keep Calm and Carry on' (Love that motto). However, I  fear if I do that my head may implode and I will cease to exist.


Option 2 - I go round and attempt to reason with this little scroat and inform him that his 'music' is way way waaayyy too loud for this time in the morning and to have some consideration for his neighbours who live within this block. Yes, I am well aware that this may make me sound like a nagging 80 year old woman .... but am I bothered? Nope! Not one bit - I would just like some peace and quiet thanks! I hope that is not too much to ask for!


So, option 2 is looking more and more appealing right now ..... sod it! Here goes ........

Don't buy that one ....

Good evening


I hope you are well and had a splendid weekend. 


This evening I went out to dinner with a friend to what can only now be described as 'our local' as it has become a bit of a ritual to visit this particular Public House on a Sunday evening. After scoffing the obscene amount of food that was presented on the plate put before me, since I was in the area, I decided to visit my mother to pick up a very important object of mine .... my shovel.  Yes .... laugh all you want but I have felt very lost without my shovel since it was removed from my car on the night of my car accident (another story for another time) ... it has been at my mother's house ever since. It came in handy when we were bombarded with the dreaded snow so I want my shovel with me incase I have to dig myself out should we experience another bout of the cold white stuff!


Anyway, I digress. Driving into the town where my mother lives, I called her .... she was in a restaurant with her parter so I went to meet them for a chat over a milky cup of tea (or should I say creamy ... the restaurant had run out of milk .... what restaurant runs out of milk?? - so they gave me cream in my tea!!) I mentioned earlier I was involved in a car accident a couple of weeks ago and,consequently, my car has been declared a write off. So in the up and coming weeks, at some point, I am going to have to purchase myself a new car ... great stuff!


Now where possible ,and those who know me well will agree, I like to own things that are a little bit better than average or normal. So I have been looking around for a new auto mobil and have my heart set on a Peugeot 307cc ... not the best car but I want another convertible and I want more seats than my previous car ... this car provides both and is within the budget I have to spend. 


Well, on announcing this news to my mother .... well.... I just wish I hadn't even opened my mouth! The lecture I got in response containing the words .... "WHAT' "WHY" "EXPENSIVE" .... etc etc. She suggested that I buy a Ford Fiesta or even a Smart Car (Really??) but her final words on the matter were "Don't buy that one" to which I responded "You can't stop me". Of course, this conversation was very 'tongue in cheek" I think she just worries that I am frittering my hard earned cash away. She just doesn't understand though ... a Smart Car (at the risk of sounding like a snob) just doesn't really fit my style nor my image. Plus the fact that I looking forward to driving down to the coast during the Summer with the roof down and the tunes up! 


Anyway, that aside, I love my Mum to bits and she has helped me out a lot - especially during the last few months. I also got my shovel back! However, if I want a big expensive car then I will get it ... I will make damn sure that I get it! Ha ha!


Tiredness is looming so I am going to hit the sack. Work tomorrow .... boo!! Night all.

I live for the weekend ....

Well .... the weekend is here and, let me tell you, mine has been a pretty eventful one so far!

Friday night I had a date! As I have mentioned, I am newly single so I am pretty new to this whole dating malarkey! However, this was my 11th date in the space of 2 months, all of which have ended disastrously for one reason or another, and so as I was heading over to the agreed meeting place to meet the next unsuspecting victim (hee hee); I couldn't help but feel a little skeptical.

My feelings of skepticism may not have been too far off the mark. The date itself was fine - a nice 20 something chap from Central London, who was well mannered and polite. There was no awkwardness and the conversation flowed well - various topics were discussed from politics and current affairs to personal beliefs and dreams. However, for me, there was just not that spark there ... not even a little bit ... zero, none, nada, nothing, zip, zilch! A few white wines later on and I politely decided to end the little rendezvous and head home ....... alone!! Next candidate please .....

I swear I am destined to be single for the rest of my days at this rate ..... none of these men take my fancy at all!! Maybe it's because right now I just can't be bothered and I am living the single life or maybe, just maybe, its because I am so  completely and hopelessly infatuated with one man from what seems like another lifetime ago (and he doesn't even realize it) that I  am just not able to make the effort with anyone else - but thats a story for another time!

Saturday was an odd day! I woke with a slight hangover which faded pretty quickly. The day was spent completing housework ... washing, ironing, cleaning etc etc .... what a fun filled life I lead! 

A trip to the cinema with a friend was later cancelled as I am finding it difficult to sit for long periods of time due to some numpty driving into the back of my car a couple of weeks ago, resulting with me having some serious whiplash and broken ribs ..... yes ... ouch!!! So a chilled night in with a chum proved a good way to vent some anger, have a good gossip and discuss road trips to the beach in the Summer. Good times!

Right .. I'm off to bed now as it's late and I need to be a little more productive tomorrow! Goodnight and sleep well x

Bear with me .....

Good Afternoon. 


If you have by chance stumbled across my blog and are now feeling somewhat disappointed with the lack of posts .... then I offer my apologies to you. However, I must point out that my blog was only literally created last night so, effectively, I am a blog virgin (oooooooo) and this is all new to me!


The above is just a paragraph to explain for the lack of 'bulk' to my blog. I will update soon .... I promise!