Big Changes

Good Afternoon

I have completely neglected my blog for, apparently, 3 months! A very long time! I forgot I had a blog in all honesty hee hee!

Anyway, probably the main reason I have not updated my blog for an insanely long period of time is because I have been busy! and there have been some massive changes taken place.

I went on holiday to Tunisia which was lovely. Nice to get away with a couple of pals and have a lovely,
relaxing holiday - not one of these boozy ones where all you do is go out and get pissed and act like a knobber! Lots of time by the beach and pool and lots of laughs in the evenings. I have learnt that Tunisian passport control is crap and when I hear the word 'Vitamins' I will always think back that man who sold smoothies like they were going out of fashion (Lloyd and Rowlands will know). Was very sad to come back to cold and rainy England.

I have moved! After 4 years of living in High Wycombe, I finally, after what seemed to take ages, ditched my flat and moved back to Aylesbury. I feel a little sad - I didn't really want to leave Wycombe as I felt settled there and it was home. There is nothing really wrong with Aylesbury, although we are all guilty of slating it sometimes, but it just seems like everywhere I go I see the same old faces of people I knew from a long time ago. In Wycombe, I was anonymous I could do anything or go anywhere without being recognised, I liked that.

I'm back here now for the foreseeable future. I was supposed to be in my new place by now but there has been some delays and so I am, STILL, crashing at my Mums place and I have been here since the end of June. I am STILL paying a hideous amount to keep all of my furniture in the storage room that I am renting with Store 'N' Go. I, of course, pay my Mum some rent to stay here as well. But, I cannot moan - I am alot better off then I was when I was paying for the upkeep of my flat.

 My only additional cost is now my travel of getting to work every morning in Wycombe and then back again - not exactly cheap in a 2.0L sports car. I miss only being up the road and rolling out of bed at 8:15 every morning - those days are well and truly gone. Now my mornings are spent tailgating the people who go slower than the speed limit, shouting abuse and 'giving the middle finger' to HGV drivers who decide to break suddenly and stop without any indication causing me to nearly plough straight into the back of them and dodging the ridiculous amount of potholes there are down the narrow country roads between Aylesbury and Wycombe - this should really be flagged to the council. All in all, the drive to work and back everyday is not good for my blood pressure nor my stress levels!

I suppose to the biggest and life changing news I have is that in May, to my complete and utter shock, I discovered I was pregnant! Yes, I had to take 4 pregnancy tests to believe it, the last one being one of those fancy Clearblue digital ones that tells you a straight 'Yes' or 'No' and, how convenient, how many weeks you are! But its finally sunk in.

Of course, any woman who finds out they are pregnant is likely to have about a thousand questions flood her mind and, probably, experience many mixed emotions ... I know I did anyway! Without going into too much detail, my situation is not the best. I am, technically, single and so far I have gone through this pregnancy alone. If it wasn't for the support of some good friends and my family, I don't know where I would be.

I'll be honest and say that I wasn't exactly happy when I found out I was expecting, in fact, I cried. I cried so much and was in complete shock. I wasn't planning to have a child yet, and certainly not when I am single! I wanted to do so many things and just wanted to be carefree and selfish. I am 25 years old, and I know some woman my age have children but I just didn't feel ready yet. But, after seeking a lot of medical advice etc, I made a decision .... against all my better judgement, I decided to keep the baby! I waited until I was nearly 9 weeks before I started to tell people.

This story has a twist though so I'll go on. On 9th June, I was out to dinner in Zizzi in Wycombe with my friend. I had been experiencing bad pains 'down there' most of the day. I had just finished my dinner when the pains got quite intense and, again without going into details, I spotted blood. I rang the emergency doctor who told me to get straight to A+E in Stoke Mandeville but I would be seen as a priority - they even suggested sending an ambulance to fetch me but I felt that was a bit dramatic so my friend drove me. When we arrived I was seen pretty quickly and then I had every test imaginable carried out. I will say this, it was quite 'intrusive' and uncomfortable. And no, I am not referring to the 4 blood tests I had that night either!

Next day, I was sent for an ultrasound. The Sonographer stared at the screen in front of her as ahe moved the doppler over my belly and told me everything was fine. I felt relief. But then she went on to announce that it was 'better than fine' because there were 2 heartbeats and 2 sacs and then she said 'Congratulations! You are expecting twins'. She turned the monitor around to face me and there right on the screen were 2 sacs, 2 little blobs and in the middle of those blobs were 2 flickers, the heartbeats!

I was absolutely stunned! I stared at my Mum , mouth open and eyes wide, and wanted her to say something but she looked just as shocked as me. The sonographer gave me some photos of the scan and said that I needed to book the 12 and 20 week scans now as I would need double slots. Nothing anyone was saying was registering with me though ... I just kept thinking, as awful as this may sound, I don't even want one baby, let alone 2! Arrghh!

But, I am now nearly 18 weeks pregnant with twins. I have had another scan at around 14 weeks and was shocked at how big they had both grown - no longer blobs! I am looking forward to this a bit more now and, next month, the big and expensive task of buying 'baby stuff, begins but I have saved up and friends and family are helping me with some one the bigger items which I am so so grateful for. Hopefully, at some point this month I will be moving into my new place and then, I think, I will feel more settled. Sometimes, I wish I wasn't in the situation that I am as it can become lonely and sometimes I feel hopeless and scared about what is to come and how I will manage alone, but, more of the time I am quite positive and think that I have some great people around me who I know will help where they can - although I have to say that some people have become very distant from me but I know those people won't matter in the long run.

So, that's about it for now. I'll try not to leave it some long next time.

Rant!

Good Evening

I hope you are well.

I am in need of a quick rant and couldn't think of a better place to do it other than my blog.

Why rant you ask? Well, lately, it feels like a lot of people look down their nose at me? As if they think they are something bigger and better than me? Or that I am stupid and have no morals? I am sick of it!!

I feel like I get frowned upon for being me. True, at times I am an idiot and I have made a lot of mistakes in my 25 years of existence on this planet but I'm me and I quite like being me. I'm serious and responsible when I need to be, I live alone and make sure very bill is paid before spending a penny on me! However, sometimes I like to revert back to my 18 year old self, go out, get drunk, go to a club/bar and forget my troubles for an evening; however, this is now becoming a rarity! I can sometimes come across as simple but I can assure you I am not. I am very switched on, can tell when someone is talking absolute bull and when I am being lied to (although I won't always confront).

But, most importantly, I am me and I will always be me. I will never change to suit someone else. I will never be false and I never feel the need to put on an act for anybody. Literally, what you see is what you get so if you want to look down your nose at me then then I have two words for you ..... F**K YOU!

Rant over, I feel a bit better! Thanks for listening xx

Happy Birthday to me

Good Morning

Its been ages since I have updated my blog - I have either been a busy little bee or just too tired.

So, today is my Birthday .... happy effiing Birthday to me and now I am quarter of a century old. Great! I sat awake at 6am this morning and had a long hard think and realised that so far my life has turned out nothing like how I had imagined or hoped for. I just wish things could be so different.

Surely, after all the rubbish and upset that has been thrown in my direction this past year - its about time that something nice happened to me and I was happy again? Thing is, despite everything, I remain positive and I am almost certain, although not sure when or how, that something good will happen -  I just have to be patient.

But as I said today is my Birthday so I won't worry about all of that for now - today I will try and be happy and smile as much as I can - plus its a beautiful day so can't really ask for much more than that :)

Why can't the past just stay in the past?

Good Morning.

Short post in connection with the random thoughts the flood my head this morning and, I'll warn you now, it probably won't make much sense

Everyone has done stuff in the past they regret right? And, surely, sometimes you look back and you can remember periods in your life where you were simply not happy? So ....  you do what needs to be done, no matter how difficult that is,  and move forward/change the situation and this in turn makes you a stronger person and, in my opinion, changes you for the better.

So, pray tell, why does that past, which you want to forget about and move forward from, have a nasty habit of coming back and biting you on the ass? Why can't the past just stay well and truely buried six feet under in the ground where it bloody well belongs! Or is that too much to ask?

From recent experiences, I believe that I am a much stronger person, my outlook has changed and for the first time ever .... I feel content and at ease. But then, all of a sudden the past rears it ugly head and it throws me off balance and takes me back to a time when I wasn't very happy nor was I happy in myself! DAMN - I don't want to be in that place!

So, I will try my damn hardest to detach and leave the past exactly where it should be ... in the past. Easier said than done though I think!

Car Crash #2

Good Afternoon

So, Friday evening I am heading to a pub in Aylesbury. Sun setting, roof down, tunes up and driving with the wind through my hair. I approach a small country lane (a known shortcut to the said town). I'm driving along when all of a sudden there was a massive thud and very loud bang and then before I know it  my car had dipped to the right and I had lost control (mayday mayday). No breaks, no steering and so I had to make an executive decision and crash my beloved little car into a ditch! Yes, a great big dirty ditch!! GREAT!!!

Shaking, I stick the hazard lights on, get out of the car and assess the damage. My tyre at the front was completely flat and coming away from the alloy. I also noticed a great big gapeing hole in the tyre wall.

You're thinking change the tyre right? Problem with that! The designers of my car have decided not to include a spare tyre to make room for the fold away electric roof!! Genius!! Instead, I have 2 tubes of tyre weld designed to re inflate the tyre just enough to get you home. However, in this instance, due to the big gapeing hole in the side of my tyre, I was smart enough to know tyre weld would not fix this problem.

So, lets recap, single girl, stuck in the middle of nowhere, its getting dark and the cows in the field next to me DID NOT look very friendly. Now what the heck do I do? What any girl does, call my Mum. However, Mum was away and could not help me and suggested I call the AA. However, last time I called the AA they were complete and utter a**holes and wouldn't come out to help me! So I was reluctant to do so!

But then, another car approaches and stops. A man gets out and asks if I am ok. Little did I know that this guy would be my life saver that evening. Not only did he manage to get my car to a local garage for repairs, albeit  I won't get in back until Monday! He drove me back to Wycombe (yes, I know, risky getting in a car with a complete stranger), going well out of his way as he was heading to Aylesbury. I am eternally grateful to him.

This whole experience has made me realise who is really there for you when you need them and there are still some decent people out there who will go that extra mile to help a someone in distress, there was me losing faith!

I am looking forward to getting my car back tomorrow as I am confined to my flat  and feeling so bored! I have to say, I feel lost without it, like I am missing a limb almost! I hope after this I have no more car accidents as I believe I have had my fair share now! Over and out!!

The Big Smoke

Good Morning,

This post comes to you from the 08:21 train from High Wycombe to Marylebone. Maaaannn I am bored! Nothing to do but sit and update my blog, listen to the crap that is on my ipod and, of course, people watch - my favourite pass time of them all! Nothing like having a good old stare at someone and making an assessment - that sounds pretty awful but we all do it from time to time so ..... meeeehhh!!

So as you can probably gather I am indeed on my way to the 'Big Smoke' aka London. Definately have a love/hate relationship with London Town. Love the shops, the sights and the pubs/bars/clubs! Hate the tubes and how busy everywhere seems to be and how everyone seems to be in this mindset of 'rush rush rush' all the time ....  jeeeeeeezzz chillax!! But hey, this may be me in a few months time so I sharn't slate it too much!

Right, I am preparing my self to depart from this National Rail train and battle my way on the tubes to reach my destination! Wish me luck!

Spiders ... Friend of Foe?

Good Evening

This post is inspired by the events that took place this afternoon.

So, I went home during my lunch break today to errrrrr .... eat lunch! Upon my return to work, I was driving along the London Road when, from out of no where, this object fell into my lap and made a kind of 'thud' sound. My initial thought was 'What the eff is that?' so I looked ......

BUT ... my gosh I wish I hadn't as right before my eyes, sitting very neatly on my lap (whilst I am operating a car in motion) was a rather black, large, hairy gigantic beast of a spider!

So, some of you reading this will think ... what is the big deal? However, I can imagine some of you will feel my pain. Let me explain. I suffer quite severely from Arachnophobia ... those who know me well will know that if there is a spider within about 100 yards of me or even if I am aware that there is one within the vicinity, I will run away screaming like a little girl! So, to have one sitting on my lap whilst driving my car is probably my idea of Hell.

Back to the scene, I felt my body tensing up, my hands going sweaty and tears welling up in my eyes but I could do nothing. I couldn't scream and run away as I was driving a car, unless I wanted to be responsible for a nasty road accident - no ta, not after my accident in January! So I managed to get my car back to the car park (quite calmly too) and as soon as I was parked up I bolted out of that car so fast. A nice young man came and removed the intruder from my car and, for that, I am eternally grateful to him! What a hero!

In my opinion  ... Spiders are not your friends!!!